176 A journey through severe depression

I looked up at the mountain as I came home today.  I’ve driven this road a hundred times in the last six months and haven’t given it even a moment of thought.  So knowing that what properly functioning  people do is notice, I somehow slowed the whirring gears of my mentally ill brain enough to see that the leaves are gone.  Wooden skeleton trees stand frozen waiting for the heavy snow to adorn their naked limbs; Less showy than their previous blazing jewelry but still a delicate sort of beauty.

Mount Hanley (our tiny Nova Scotia community) is still the place it was six months ago as well.  Everything carried on without me; the world not requiring my sanity, my work or my involvement.  My children grew despite my hollowness.  They smiled and ate; played and worked.  I wonder if they saw me pretending to live or if they were fooled by me too.  Lola, the masterful charlatan.

We eat supper with our neighbors a lot.  When they go home I crawl into bed and wonder if tomorrow I will be me again.  Yet?  Ever? Did I fool them too? The dog barks at the barn into the pitch black and if an animal intruder is suspected it certainly isn’t apprehended by our fine hound.  “All bark” as they say.   When I wake in the morning I feel the early winter sun on my face and for a glorious thirty seconds my brain doesn’t remember that it’s still crazy.  It just smells the morning and hears the yawns and whispers of children in far off rooms.  Children who need me less than they did out of the necessity of survival.  When the jittery darkness falls on me again I wear it like an uncomfortable coat.  I can’t take it off because it’s too cold outside.  I’m just a skeleton tree waiting for the snow.  I will be cold but delicately beautiful and less showy than before…

212 thoughts on “176 A journey through severe depression

  1. It’s so refreshing when people like you share your stories. I recently wrote about my struggle parenting with severe anxiety and panic attacks, and how it was hard for me to find other people who have dealt with the same things — and I’m so thankful to have stumbled across your post. Thank you.

  2. I had similar situations before… took some meds and after a year I’m ok. Sometimes I get panic attacks when things are tough. I always look at the bright side of things and remained positive. In this time an age, it’s normal. But being positive helps a lot.

  3. Captivating writing. Truer words may not ever have been spoken as those in this piece. You are not alone in this place. Revel in those moments in which you feel joy and peace away from the heavy cloud of depression.

  4. Very well expressed.I myself have suffered depression for a substantial period..By God’s Grace, I eventually came out of it and so for all my friends experiencing any sort of depression , I just want to say that Sometimes, we think that we have been buried when actually we have been planted .This I learnt after having won over a chronic disease after years of struggle..Just hold on, just never give up..

    I would like to share my complete story here , how I battled with an incurable disease..I wish It helps at least 1 needy person out here….Here’s the story (Not a sad one I promise 🙂 ) https://the-passport-souls.travel.blog/2017/09/04/how-i-tamed-a-monster-called-vitiligo-just-never-give-up/

  5. This is BEAUTIFUL. Your mind is beautiful, mentally ill or not. I hope you can find things to help you cope with your depression. It can take a toll on a mind for sure. I too have struggled with depression since I was a teen. Even though it seems as life goes on all around you without you that is not the case. The world needs your beautiful mind and so does your family. Sending you positive vibes.

  6. You have such a beautiful way with words, you managed to make depression sound like literary art. I am so sorry that you have to go through every day like that. Depression is something that not many people really understand despite the increase in talk trying to raise awareness surrounding it.

  7. I love this. Take the time to stop and look at those trees. They will be happy that you do. Whether you know it or not your children need you and want you. You are valid in this world. Stay strong and fight on.

  8. Your words are beautiful and even though I can’t fathom the depth of your darkness yet I sank into your story. I’ve been there too and writing was my salvation. Hope its the same for you. Anyway, don’t give up on hope and stay strong. You’re not alone, that’s for sure! 🙂

  9. Writing is that medicine , that silver lining that elevates us from all the shadows and the darkness.. You have an amazing skill.. it’s just breath taking to read something like this. Hope that everything gets better and that you keep writing.
    I am a new blogger and have written some poems on this very hollowness that you wrote about. Please do read it.
    And recently I have written a poem on mother, so I hope you will enjoy it as well. It is a tribute to all the mothers..
    Keep writing. God bless!

  10. You have such amazing gifts of eloquence and insight. Thank you for sharing them as we all need healing. I pray for your continued peace of mind and spirit.

  11. After reading a single post from you I’m convinced that I have to follow. You write stunningly. The way you piece words together is beautiful. And I genuinely hope writing works as a form of therapy for you, along with your 5 kids and husband 🙂 Get well soon. Wishing you all the best. Please feel free to check out my blog and comment. Would love feedback from a writer as good as yourself 🙂

  12. This is beautiful Lola 💕
    Depression is something so intangible and unseen, it’s often difficult to realize when it’s taken control.
    Well done on defeating the black dog (as I call it)!! It’s definitely a long journey xx

  13. This is so beautifully written, absolutely love it! Aren’t we all struggling with pretending to be sane? I sure am, but I too believe it’s easier to fool people, to pretend I’m a tree still covered in leaves and snow.

  14. Nice posts continue to write more. I am eager to read your posts. And if you find some time take a look at my blog too. It will be interesting to know some tech information.

  15. Nice post with interesting things. I wish you the best to write more interesting articles. And if you find some time just take a look at my blog its very interesting with tech informations. You will find interesting topics on my blog. Cool!stay with you

  16. Whatever it is that’s causing your depression, you can always take a step back and analyze the circumstances that caused your illness, I personally have suffered from severe depression most of my life and even tried taking my own life. From my own perspective, I learned the best way to treat it is to accept it the find the root cause. I followed these 3 steps which have been helpful for me so far,
    Objective Perception
    Effective Action and lastly
    Will Power to perform the first two in the right manner.

    I hope you find peace and solace in your mind and heart and live a long happy life full of love and prosperity.

    Good day.

  17. Oh man I really get that quote. I am right there with you. I just got out of the behavioral health unit after staying for 8 days. People asked if my kids would need counseling. I remember saying ” I don’t know, I kept doing everything I knew a mother should, do you think that they noticed I was pretending?” I am all about support and encouragement for moms right now if you want to check out my blog and let me know what you think. The struggle is real https://lettersofhopefromthesoul.wordpress.com/

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