I looked up at the mountain as I came home today. I’ve driven this road a hundred times in the last six months and haven’t given it even a moment of thought. So knowing that what properly functioning people do is notice, I somehow slowed the whirring gears of my mentally ill brain enough to see that the leaves are gone. Wooden skeleton trees stand frozen waiting for the heavy snow to adorn their naked limbs; Less showy than their previous blazing jewelry but still a delicate sort of beauty.
Mount Hanley (our tiny Nova Scotia community) is still the place it was six months ago as well. Everything carried on without me; the world not requiring my sanity, my work or my involvement. My children grew despite my hollowness. They smiled and ate; played and worked. I wonder if they saw me pretending to live or if they were fooled by me too. Lola, the masterful charlatan.
We eat supper with our neighbors a lot. When they go home I crawl into bed and wonder if tomorrow I will be me again. Yet? Ever? Did I fool them too? The dog barks at the barn into the pitch black and if an animal intruder is suspected it certainly isn’t apprehended by our fine hound. “All bark” as they say. When I wake in the morning I feel the early winter sun on my face and for a glorious thirty seconds my brain doesn’t remember that it’s still crazy. It just smells the morning and hears the yawns and whispers of children in far off rooms. Children who need me less than they did out of the necessity of survival. When the jittery darkness falls on me again I wear it like an uncomfortable coat. I can’t take it off because it’s too cold outside. I’m just a skeleton tree waiting for the snow. I will be cold but delicately beautiful and less showy than before…
Atop North Mountain 
I hope things will get better soon. ☝
if you believe so dear.
well written!
I agree with the others about your writing. Often pain helps to crystallise our thoughts, it helps to sharpen our focus, and it helps us to see new things. I am starting to think that it may even be another form of the birthing process where the rose tints falls off our perceptions and we see something else.
We then come kicking and screaming into a new world.
Bit preachy I know, but if writing is the outcome, it’s worth it.
Beautifully written post, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Such a wonderful comparison of lonely hidden fight with a powerful enemy!!! Great Lola, I advise to see an honest Raqi for this problem. I am sure it will be healed.
beautifully written, loved to read it.
I have started wordpress in the recent, hope the world likes my blog.
You were one the firsts I discovered and it was beautiful to read it.
And also, would love some tips to write from such a beautiful soul🌷
This is very very beautiful
Just stay strong
Writing will surely help 🙂
You are a beautiful writer ❤️
Lots of love, Lola 💙💙
Absolutely enticing.
It surely is something that, even in the depths of this illness, you can think with such beauty.
I love the last sentence. It resonates. I lived in Alaska many years and I loved it when the world was finally silent and slowed down. All the best to you. Great blog!!!!!!!!! You got this.
Thanks for sharing. I have experienced mental illness. Never stop searching – the answers are out there!
Sorry to learn about your condition. The bright side is that you are battling it bravely. All the best to you and keep expressing.
Best wishes to you.
Beautiful ❤
T
That sounds horrible. Lithium helps me, now that I’m taking it, to have more steady moods. I asked about seven children because that’s how many were in my family growing up and some of my stories about them.
A wonderful depiction…people usually tend to hide their psychological side but you essayed it beautifully…,keep up the good work
I totally agree, so beautifully captured, your writing has to be a publisher’s dream
Beautiful Narrative. Anand Bose from Kerala
Beautifully written 😀 so sweet
You are not a skeleton tree seen in cold and winter in spite of severe depression. Your writing is excellent in expression and it would be medicine for your suffering. Amygdala system of brain becomes normal in deep thinking and good writing. Thank you for sharing.
Hello from a new follower, you write beautifully. Would love to read a book from you xx
Thank you 😉
Reblogged this on Cleaning Service in the Stockholm.
I am very sorry to hear about your mental illness. I hope you will recover from this terrible mental illness. My husband had severe depression and anxiety last summer and attempted suicide twice, the first time with an overdose of pills, and lived through it only to be try a second time to take his life just two weeks later by slashing his wrists, and lived through it as well. The doctors said he should have been dead from the first attempt and damaged his liver, but miraculously he not lived through both attempts and with his liver still functioning without major damage. He is doing much better, regained confidence in taking one day at a time, and each day gets better than the day before when he sets his mind to staying hopeful, confident and assured that God is healing him and he is a walking miracle. How or why he suffered through such anxiety and depression is still not clear as he has gone through innumerable tests and blood work of all kinds (MRI, CT scans, spinal tap, etc. etc.) and his neurologist and doctor is still puzzled but not giving up on finding answers. He is 70 yrs, old, like me, and is retired and we have been married for 71 yrs., our first and only marriage and we are also Christians with a strong faith and belief in healing,.But this depression and anxiety though building or showing subtle signs or symptoms through the year prior to his suicide attempt just came out of the blue with no answers as to why. Don’t give up hope in yourself. Know that you are loved. God loves you. He will not give up on you. Stay in faith that there is help and people care and will pray for you. I will. I have shared our story, (my husband’s) on my blog site, with a post entitle, “Road to Recovery…and beyond”, posted on Oct. 4th, 2017. Please feel free to read it and also some of the poetry I shared on my site prior and after to that post in reference to what we went through together in this experience. God bless and keep you.
I am sorry that I forgot to send my blog site URL. It is here at https://jemj47reflections.com when I wrote my reply post above. I hope you will visit me there.
Thank you so much ch for reading and for sharing your story.
Excellent comment! I feel sorry by reading the effects of anxiety and depression. Functions of amygdala system becomes abnormal in old age but it can be reduced in practice and meditation. You have discussed about great faith and it’s remarkable in healing troubles and suffering. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your reply. I made an error in the number of years we have been married. It is 51, not 71 as I had stated before. I reread my comments after getting your reply. Unfortunately at the age of 70 my vision is not what it use to be so and is slowly deteriorating, so my writing and blogging is something I have to continually proofread and edit. 🙂 I hope you will soon be on the road to a complete recovery.
I admire your faith and believe that belief gets us through.
Having the kind of unshakable trust and faith in God can and will get us through anything we go through. I believe that and have experienced that. Thanks for the positive reply.
Belief means a lot. Keep going.
Thank you for this
Thank you for reading
I love this and your honesty. Keep writing 🙂 you’re an inspiration to those of us suffering from the same thing
Thank you. It really is therapeutic to write.
I couldn’t agree more.
I am interested in following your progress. Mental illness can be devastating. Your writing will help you through.
I hope so. Thank you.
“so knowing that what properly functioning people do is notice”These are words I can relate to. For me, a constant wondering is inherent to depression-a wondering about how properly functioning people experience the world, a wondering about what I could do if I weren’t depressed, a wondering about whether or not things will ever be different … Beautiful poignant writing Lola:) Jac @ http://www.moonmind.blog
Yes! It is so weird to not remember how to appropriately navigate the world sometimes.
I have depression, no children, only three cats. I’m bipolar and I have Boderline disorder. I tried suicide four times. But I’m much better now. I wish you strength and find a way to improvement as I have found.
All the best to you. I’m sorry you’ve had to battle so hard.
Thank you
Gosh, you write so beautifully. Hello from a New follower.
“My brain doesn’t remember that it’s crazy”….This really resonated with me, as I remember feeling like this in rare flashes of normality when I was stuck in the midst of PND.
Go gently, friend. You are a warrior, and not alone.
Thank you ❤️
Beautifully written
Thank you
It was the thought of my grown son that kept me going. Just like the
Winter, this too will pass, and you will feel the warmth of the summer sun.
I tell myself that often. Thank you.
Love the comeback to the start reference. Anyone that suffers from depression knows that there are pictures within pictures. Normal people have to be told there’s more than what meets the eye! Great story
Thank you! ❤️
F’real
I sometimes wonder if mental illness is actually mental difference. So called normal is just statistically so. I embrace this difference not with judgement but with acceptance. In these small ways we advance towards community
I was in denial for a long time and I agree, it is like a mental difference. Thank you for visiting and reading.
beautifully written. Inspiring and enlightening someway.
Thank you
Sending you all my love. Beautifully written. It never really goes away. It’s always lurking but I get better fighting it away. Still some days are bad and the hardest part is hiding it, scared others would realise what is going in my head.
I’m realizing it was always with me and Ignoring it made me implode. Now I’m navigating the new me. Thank you for reading
It is a sad but probably true belief of mine that the most beautiful pieces of art (writing, music, etc.,) are written through pain and sadness. Thank you for writing beautifully but more than I wish to read great things like this, I wish for you to get better and to know you’re not alone.
Thank you so much!
We wake, we exist, we sleep. Repeat. For some like us, it’s a hard life to live. Be strong and seek help if needed. We are here as a community of support. Much love xx
Thank you ❤️
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this. It is beautifully written and such an accurate description of what many of us feel. ❤
This is beautiful Lola. Though always remember this, it will be good. Someday all will be well. And you will look back to this time and smile.
Thank you for reminding me of that. During my very worst times I remember begging people to convince me I’d get better.
Beautifully written. I salute you, Lola. Despite being weak at times, you are strong. Wishing you all the healing you may need…and, keep writing.
Thank you ❤️
This is so beautifully written.
Thank you so much ❤️
Maybe find your solace in your writing. It is beautiful ❤️
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you for reading
My pleasure
I have no idea how you are able to write, and so touchingly, while so ill. I have had several bouts of mental illness myself, but was only able to write much, much later. My stories are rather long, but you may find them interesting: https://playinwiththeplayers.wordpress.com/2017/01/27/locked-up-in-d-c/ https://playinwiththeplayers.wordpress.com/2017/03/21/crazy-train-%F0%9F%9A%82-part-1-all-aboard/
Do you have seven children?
During the most severe part of it in June, I couldn’t do anything but writhe in bed and beg for something to make the pain inside stop. I had a severe form of agitated depression and thought about killing myself every second for four weeks. Then I came out of it and have been struggling with the much more manageable but still difficult chronic depression. All the best to you. Thanks for stopping in. I have five kids but I count the two neighbors boys as partially mine as well 😉
Beautiful writing! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, but you write so beautifully through it.
I struggled with depression and anxiety and have been made free. There is hope to wake up one day and be ok. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel better….it’s just fighting day by day through it. And you’re doing it.
Thank you for your encouragement
Much love to you, Lola. Your writing is sublime and I am so sorry that you are caught in the depths of this illness. I think of you often and hope you are doing better.
Thank you. I really do have a lot of great days but I still just feel so different. Restless.
Like a tension that never fades, nor offers assistance. I resonated with what you wrote. Especially the question, “Did I fool them?” Thank you for sharing. Keep fighting with your pen.
Lola, I am so sorry you have been struggling with this relentless illness. I do hope you will feel like yourself again very soon. I was so taken with your words… you have a gift with them ❤
Your honesty unraveled by sheer literary genius is humbling to say the least….be well my dear.
Beautifully written Lola, I hope that you have emerged from the chrysalis. A book in the making perhaps? Your tribe is inspirational. XO