I looked up at the mountain as I came home today. I’ve driven this road a hundred times in the last six months and haven’t given it even a moment of thought. So knowing that what properly functioning people do is notice, I somehow slowed the whirring gears of my mentally ill brain enough to see that the leaves are gone. Wooden skeleton trees stand frozen waiting for the heavy snow to adorn their naked limbs; Less showy than their previous blazing jewelry but still a delicate sort of beauty.
Mount Hanley (our tiny Nova Scotia community) is still the place it was six months ago as well. Everything carried on without me; the world not requiring my sanity, my work or my involvement. My children grew despite my hollowness. They smiled and ate; played and worked. I wonder if they saw me pretending to live or if they were fooled by me too. Lola, the masterful charlatan.
We eat supper with our neighbors a lot. When they go home I crawl into bed and wonder if tomorrow I will be me again. Yet? Ever? Did I fool them too? The dog barks at the barn into the pitch black and if an animal intruder is suspected it certainly isn’t apprehended by our fine hound. “All bark” as they say. When I wake in the morning I feel the early winter sun on my face and for a glorious thirty seconds my brain doesn’t remember that it’s still crazy. It just smells the morning and hears the yawns and whispers of children in far off rooms. Children who need me less than they did out of the necessity of survival. When the jittery darkness falls on me again I wear it like an uncomfortable coat. I can’t take it off because it’s too cold outside. I’m just a skeleton tree waiting for the snow. I will be cold but delicately beautiful and less showy than before…
Atop North Mountain 
So brave, to unveil that veil that causes such pain. You inspire through your naked honesty.
Honest…
Beautiful post! keep growing.
Lovely !! Thank you
great post! maybe check out my poems around the same subjects at saylessthinkmore! i’d really appreciate it!
‘I wonder if they saw me pretending to live or if they were fooled by me too.’
Theres this quote that goes something like this: kids dont see the layers of woman in their mother because of all the motherness overflowing.
I recently came out of a depressive episode and this piece truly resonates with me. Sometimes all you can do is wait out the symptoms. Thanks for the read, hon xx
Great post.
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I appreciated the raw honesty and vulnerability. Our society live in a bubble of psycho emotional numbing down of difficult feelings and emotions. Depression offers us an opportunity to finally heal. I hope to hear from you Lola. https://freefallintoreality.com/2017/11/23/how-to-heal-anxiety-and-depression/
I’m just a skeleton tree waiting for the snow. That hits home. I used to call the mask my plastic fantastic. The mental illness that clogs and confuses and dampens the brain is not wanted until it is absolutely wanted. It always confuses me the hollowness that can also be so full of pain of hurt of despair. How you can be hollow and full of so much crap at the same time. Life always looks better from the other end. As long as we fight to get there. I have lived dealing with the waves. Hoping when one crashed on me no one noticed. My only hope was found in God. He can make you whole again. He can bring back a sane mind you never knew was possible.
OK, I cannot find my earlier comment, but in it I said that I was probably closer to your children’s ages than yours. Not true at all! Gah! Sorry, this is what happens when you suck at math. I’m definitely closer to your age 🙂
Wow. I am probably closer to your children’s age than yours, but you captured the way I have been feeling most days for the past couple of years perfectly. And more than that, you made it sound beautiful! I love this.
As someone who has suffered and still suffers the darkness of depression everyday, I thought this was a beautifully written insight into how tough life is in the darkness. Thank you!
A new way of describing your everyday life to everyone who reads this. Amazing.
Thank you for writing. You reminded me that the little things are what is closest to our hearts.
Wonderfully written lola, I too can relate to some of the hardships you’re going through. I hope one day you’ll wake up to a sunny day
You’re such a good writer. I’m inspired. Thank you.
Beautifully written!
Beautifully written 💓
Superb
Thank you for sharing this prose. You’re not alone in this fight to overcome depression. Keep your head up high, be and stay positive, and smile. 🙂
I am so sorry that you are struggling! You are a fighter, keep on! The way you write is very beautiful.
Reblogged this on The Mama Politic and commented:
Sometimes you fake it till you make it but still end up wondering how convincing you’ve been. That’s the isolation of depression.
Thank you for putting this to words. I’m sorry things hurt so badly. I wonder about all of this a lot. On days when all I can do is “fake it until I make it” I wonder if my daughter is aware of it. I don’t think most people apart from my husband can tell. I’ve been open but many still don’t even want to hear that I’m struggling. I am glad you have your neighbors. One thing I’ve had to do is lean on trusted friends more and more but I have had to try to find those people. It is hard but worth the investment of time and being vulnerable, I think.
You are doing a good job.
That was such a nice read, I loved it! That last sentence was so beautifully poetic.
I wish you good health, Lola 🙂
Thank you so much
Every word you write is like a stitch for the broken heart. Writing is the way I process and heal and it’s been therapeutic through multiple trials. I pray that you find your way back to the surface
I agree, the way she writes is clear but it will take you somewhere gloomy.
After writing released my tention, it’s become comforting to see others find peace through the same medium.
Thank you for reading
Your writing is exquisite
You are a talented writer! Keep up the great work and hang in there. God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. Believe in good and good will come, that is what I have learned. Miracles happen everyday I had a family member that suddenly went through depression and now she is better than ever. It will get better!!
Miracles do happen every day. I believe that now. Thank you for your comment.
This is simply beautiful. And I find solace in it because I am afraid I may be depressed too, for the first time in my life. It’s all so strange. I pray we can snap out of it some day.
I’m so sorry you are struggling.
I am sorry you are struggling too. Keep fighting. Keep writing. I always tell myself to just make it to the morning- maybe our nights will get shorter soon. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot comprehend it.
Beautiful! I have faith that better days will come for you. Just put that in your mind everyday. Take care, you beautiful soul!
Better days do come for me. Thank you for your encouragement.
Reblogged this on Exploring.
Phenomenal! Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing. Keep going. You got this. You can do today.
Thank you 😊
Full of agony hidden in words yet so beautifully written. Looking forward to read more of your writings.
Thank you!
Lola this is beautiful . There are so many causes of this depression . One thing I learn myself or the recent studies have shown that being alone and getting bored is one way to built creativity . I also went through depression and at times i feel restless in certain things as well. I take them as nature giving me a push , directing somewhere to feel great about .
Your writing and part of life makes me to feel the creativity of a writer in a cocoon . I am a counselor and I want to write here alot . All i can say is , if you could find the passion in anything and learning new passion perhaps your transmitter in your brain can be good. Grow new neurons by learning new things .
Thank for sharing this wonderful writing .
Thank you! I’m very restless and even sitting alone with myself long enough to write can be hard.
You have a real gift for writing. You draw the reader in while sharing your deepest hurt. Depression is a very real illness, as one person commented, so many struggle in silence. Depression needs to be discussed, not made to feel like a disease. Thank you for sharing, keep writing and seek the help you need.
I am blessed to have incredible help close at hand. It definitely is a real illness. Thank you for your kind words.
You have great value Lola, you are loved by your family and friends. You owe it to yourself and to those who love you to take care of yourself and seek appropriate resources to help you in this dark time. There is hope for you. You are not alone.
Your honesty is touching. Beautiful written, thank you for sharing
Thank you for reading
You story is beautiful but writing is also a better way of overcoming depression you will be fine
😊 thank you
I know the feeling of those thirty seconds you speak about. Best wishes to you on your journey.
Oh the joy of waking up and not feeling sad for a few seconds. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your experience. Hugs.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Nice piece of writing!
😊
Incredible piece of writing.
Thank you so much
😌😌
I have read your blogs, you are just phenomenal
your blogs worth my time
Thank you for reading
Beautiful words! I love that you are willing to talk about it. We need normalize mental health. Many of us continue to struggle in silence.
A funny part of my whole struggle with depression and anxiety has been joking about being a depressed extrovert. I do nothing in silence. Thank you for reading!
Hoping and praying the darkness lifts from your spirit. You are a gifted writer that will encourage many hearts so keep writing. Hugs, Blink
I appreciate the conciseness of what you wrote. I’m working/observing my own state of mind. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Thank you.
Reblogged this on oldtownny.wordpress.com and commented:
Atop North Mountain
This is nicely wriitten. Keep writing
Reblogged this on dexithebaby's Blog and commented:
I hope things get better soon, I have also been to the dark place at the edge of that deep dark hole you never seem to get out of…But you do. Get better soon darling.
So nice. You blessed up